Refreshing My Perspective

We grow up with a distorted view of our own bodies, as well as those around us. Our surroundings dictate how we perceive our bodies and people of all genders are taught to equate sex appeal with their worth. The media we consume - on everything from billboards to mobile phones – tells us that our body’s primary purpose is to appeal to the masses. I’ve wasted years of my life trying to morph into a more appealing version of myself.

As a child and preteen I was obsessed with fashion, so I was heartbroken when my body started to develop. It didn’t stretch out into the gazelle like beauty of the supermodels I idolised; it was lanky and wobbled when I moved. I would spend every minute I looked in a mirror tearing apart each and every cell, finding a flaw even in the most obscure places.

It became a mantra that embedded a cycle of self-criticism into my subconscious. I no longer needed to actively look for things to criticise; it provided them for me with a moment’s notice. My perspective on the world had been thoroughly corrupted by the impossible standards of beauty that I’d adopted.

In a fit of desperation, I stopped looking at my reflection all together, at least as much as I could. My addiction to self-harming had reached fever pitch and I couldn’t face the damage I was inflicting on myself. I’d also started developing a rare autoimmune condition called scleroderma, which tore a sweep of scars across my body.

Convincing myself that avoiding mirrors was helping, I also resolved to avoid photos. I’d gone through a period of mastering the MySpace selfie, but now I couldn’t fathom liking any photo I produced.

Over time I gradually relaxed and acquiesced to requests for photos with friends, but the self-loathing still lurked beneath the surface. My attempts to smother it had strengthened its resolve to stick around.

Then I met someone who shifted my entire perspective and pushed me to reflect on my self-image. She was horrified to hear that I hadn’t taken a proper selfie since the peak of MySpace. While I was still terrified of looking hideous in photos, I’d also convinced myself that selfies were vain. This conviction blocked me from stepping outside my comfort zone, until my friend gave me a firm (metaphorical) slap round the face and woke me up.

She introduced me to the world of body acceptance and helped me embrace the selfie. I began taking my own and collecting them on my phone, never to be shared. The gradual exploration of body positivity in a safe space helped me start my journey to shift my perspective.

My scars still terrified me and my fear had allowed them to take up far more room than they deserved. I allowed them to become my main identifier, even though no one else could see them.

I challenged myself to take photos of my scars on my phone. Even if I couldn’t appreciate their beauty, I knew I had to keep track of them for my health’s sake. While I was making progress, I wanted to do more.

I asked my boyfriend to take some nude photos of all my scars so that I could celebrate them. After playing around, we sat down and sifted through them. Photo after photo passed and I could feel the tears welling up. I couldn’t stand the sight of my body. I couldn’t see anything but the flaws and the bulges that made up its imperfect edges. I deleted every single one and took a huge step back.

Although my intention was good, I’d set myself up to fail. You don’t photograph every ‘flaw’ on your body when you’re just beginning to figure out self-love, it’s far too intense. I needed a baby step to start me off gently, so I took a recess and focused on exploring my skin with just my eyes and the mirror. Over time, I explored every nook and cranny and finally honed in on what I had been obsessing about.

I saw my body as one big flaw, made up of smaller blemishes, scars and imperfections. I’d reduced my being to a mess of ‘mistakes’ to be covered up or altered. I had to shatter my perspective in order to rebuild it.

The process has been gradual and I’m still learning every day. I started with baby steps, like posing for @behindthescars_, and now I ask my partner take photos of me constantly. Seeing myself through another lens helps me break down the warped image of myself that still pops up now and again.

Stepping out of myself and looking through someone else’s eyes helped me to see who I really was underneath all the self-loathing. I recently redid that photoshoot of my body and I love every single frame, even the ‘unflattering’ shots.

Refreshing your self-image is a gruelling process and it takes time, more than you might think, so be patient with yourself. Find ways to shift your perspective – take selfies, pose for photos with friends, check yourself out in the mirror, do a photoshoot or set up a tripod and go to town. You don’t have to find ‘one thing’ that will shift your perspective, just the first!